the chronicles

Dear Dad

2009-06-15T14:15:00.013+08:00

I'm so sorry for not remembering

your birthday AND father's day.

Normally I make a show out of

your presents and wishes but

this year, I was so preoccupied

with my own mess that I forgot.

I can understand now

how you forgot my birthday one year.

I'm so sorry for being so angry with you back then.

Anyway, THANK YOU for being there

through so many moments...

you trying to scare me

you buffering awkward moments

you creating and solving shopping dilemmas

uber organized fun road trips

tasteless healthy meals

countless airport good-byes

exotic animal encounters

me trying to scare you

sinful delicious dinners

long awaited unconventional graduation

smokers' walks

Happy Belated Birthday and Happy Father's Day!

You're the best Dad ever!

Hi Murphy...

2009-05-12T16:32:00.003+08:00

Just when you think things can't get any worse...

Hang in there RED. I'll save you!

p.s. to all those people who whine about their "miserable lives", you have NO IDEA what "miserable" is so shut the fuck up.

p.p.s. by "miserable lives" i mean "Oh my life sucks because a) work is a pain in the ass b) that boy is ignoring me c) assignments are killing me d) don't have enough money for clubbing/shopping/new this/new that. e) mom nags a lot.

So excuse me while I go sort out my real problems.

E.T

2009-05-03T15:56:00.012+08:00

I've previously considered that I might be an alien to my own race. There's a high probability that it’s true. I've recently factored in another probability. I might be an alien everywhere, not just my own race or country.

A few years ago, I wrote about feeling out of place and not belonging anywhere. I'm feeling it again. It might or might not be my own doing but the facts were these:

- Trying to improve my usual self (immature, naïve, carefree, etc.), I developed a goal.

- And I tried really hard to alienate whatever that is me and whatever I'm comfortable with to be able to achieve this goal. (Believe me it’s not as simple as reaching Level 33 in CoD WaW and even harder ignoring everything that I love).

- But I did it. The result? It is not enough. Despite the physical, emotional, financial hardship I’ve gone through, it is still not enough.

- I can deal with “not enough”. I can try harder. The major pain in the ass is that, apparently whatever I do or say is translated into a whole bunch of implied meanings to some people, even if I mean something else or don’t mean anything at all!

- It might seem like a simple/small hiccup but it is actually about to make my head explode with frustration because it's unavoidable everyday. Prejudice and assumptions. It reminded me of this one saying “Do not ASSUME things because it makes an ASS out of U and ME”.

- I've tried so hard to establish a comfortable place where I could feel like I belong. Now that place is crumbling apart and this frustration is spreading like Mexican Pig Flu (I don't want to say Swine Flu or H1N1 because it sounds lame).

- It really made me consider phoning home but if I go back, they’d probably screen me and quarantine me at the airport anyways for bringing back foreign contaminants.

dear ms.usha

2009-04-05T22:47:00.004+08:00

I don't know whether you'll be happy or sad to hear this but I just have to go ahead and say it. After all your lecturing about my patrioticism, I still feel disconnected from the people and the country. There's just something missing in this connection.

A) I'm considered an alien to them

B) I'm alienating them

C) They're really aliens

You know I've always been neutral about these things and I know it gets on your nerves. But this just doesn't work, no matter how hard I try to relate to them. I'm really sick and tired of trying. Sometimes I feel like punching them in the face so that they would snap out of their current mind set.

So I've decided to denounce my nationality as soon as possible.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not particularly excited about the new nationality either. But at least I can get rebate for my car road tax and don't need to have a fix deposit to get a credit card.

I hope one day, you'll understand and stop nagging me about my patrioticism.

Hah! I was RIGHT !

2009-01-02T18:42:00.005+08:00

New Year's resolutions can be bad for you: mental health charity

January 1st, 2009 in Medicine & Health / Health

Making self-improvement New Year's resolutions often leaves people feeling worse, the British mental health charity Mind warned Thursday.

Mind urged people not to make resolutions focusing on physical imperfections -- such as attempting to lose weight -- because they create a negative self image and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness and even mild depression.

And when such optimistic resolutions fail, that could spark feelings of inadequacy and failure, the charity warned.

"New Year's resolutions can sometimes focus on our problems or insecurities such as being overweight, feeling unhappy in our jobs or feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to friends and family throughout the year," said Mind chief executive Paul Farmer.

"We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour, so it's not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started.

"In 2009, instead of making a New Year's resolution, think positively about the year to come and what you can achieve."

Mind suggested resolution-makers focus instead on being active, connecting with nature, learning something new and working for one's community.

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-01T03:32:00.005+08:00

Picture taken @ 00:04am January 1st 2009

My new year's resolution has been achieved even before the new year! I reached Level 20 around 23:15 and hit Level 28 when it was 00:02 January 1st 2009!

We blasted our way through new year with Ray Guns. Unconventional but extremely fun! I feel great because in the school of CoD, I graduate with Honors! Top that you CoD WaW bitches. You know who you are;)

Vanilla signing off with a big grin on her face. Great Success! *in Borat accent*

Happy Nu Year 2009!

2008-12-31T17:12:00.008+08:00

I don't believe in making fancy new year's resolutions because no one (if you think otherwise, please contact me with proof) ever lives up to them and its a complete waste of time.

And why do people make resolutions only at the end of the year? It is just a day, like any other day. You write 2009 instead of 2008. And that's about it.

Resolutions are something you cooked up to make yourself feel better, i.e. I have goals, I have plans, I know what I want, I know I can do it, etc.

The truth is, you can only have a general idea of what you want to do next year. Whether you really achieve it or not is a whole different story.

There are so many unpredictable things in the unforeseen future. So know yourself and your capabilities. Don't make unachievable resolutions and keep your hopes up. You will feel like crap when you realize you can't do it.

Example:
If you know you absolutely loveee chocolate, don't make a resolution "I will try to stay away from chocolate". You will feel bad when you do eventually eat it and this defeats the whole purpose of making yourself feel better.
1. your new year's resolution is to make yourself feel better
2. eating chocolates is supposed to make you feel better

So in this pessimistic spirit, I leave you with MY realistic new year's resolution for 2009:

I will get higher than level 20 for CoD World at War.

There! That's achievable and I can feel good about myself. Mission accomplished!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy...

p.s. for those of you who are still optimistic, here's the PERFECT WEBSITE FOR YOU, set it as your homepage.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-18T16:12:00.005+08:00

Since everyone's talking about the "Holidays Season", I tried to recall when my last holiday was.

Was it after school ended?
-No. I started working the moment school ended.
Was it the semester break before that?
-No. I was working last December.
Was it the semester break before that?
-No. I was doing internship AND working.
Was it the semester break before that?
-Yes. It was the December holiday trip to Bangkok with Foong and Wendy.
When was that?
-Hmmm...December 2006. Damnnn! I've been really working my ass off! For almost 2 years straight!

I think its about time all that hard work paid off. Please god, if you're listening *reminder: i also have a few unclaimed emergency wishes*, make this holiday a happy one! Thanks!

coma...

2008-11-16T21:56:00.003+08:00

I'm lost. I don't know why or when or how. I'm just lost.

I used to have plans. I used to be so organized. I used to have preferences. Now I notice myself going through everyday just for the sake of going through it. I do things because I have to and sometimes out of convenience. I don't really look forward to the next day because I know its going to be the same as today. I feel like I'm cruising through life unconsciously.

The weird thing is that I'm so busy following this pattern everyday, I have no time for other things. What other things? I don't know. I haven't thought about anything lately. This worries me a lot! I think I should go back to church...

Trip Pictures

2008-10-07T13:05:00.005+08:00

I should work for Microsoft, Desktop Theme department:p

to be continued...

Baby Pix

2008-10-07T12:14:00.005+08:00

Finally found some baby pictures of mine on the last trip to Burma. Not much time to update.

So...ENJOY!

special post for Zhong, Jinq & Rama

2008-04-20T02:49:00.004+08:00

i know you guys are gonna hate me for this but it was just sooo good that i had to share the joy ;)

SEA PARK NASI LEMAK

Foong suspects that they put something in it so that we're addicted to their food...

the reluctant gardener...

2008-03-04T00:48:00.001+08:00

and a stylish one indeed

how many bowling pins does it take to plant a tree?

2008-03-04T00:44:00.003+08:00

apparently 7 of them, plus 1 unsung hero

happy nu year...

2008-01-02T23:08:00.000+08:00

While most people partied their hearts out,
I was working in Penang and all I have to show for my countdown is THIS...

Coincidentally, this picture's serial number is 2008.
Freaky, no?

Will update later. Friggin busy this week.

lol

2007-12-20T17:15:00.000+08:00

I've seen this glass in the office so many times but never really saw this.

Take out a few letters and see what you get;)

update by pictures...

2007-12-14T00:35:00.000+08:00

2007 is almost over. What have I been doing lately?

Saw this indie album at a studio. Even a band is dedicated to change my color spectrum of a 60s Tv. tsk tsk. If they succeed, it would be MY ending harmony.

Saw this funny sign also. How could this be a virgin? It's been used by so many different bands already.

Saw this funny name at another studio. And the guy who runs it, his name is Ogie. Funny combination.

Witnessed a Drunken Panda move. (from SkyBar with love and no, he never gets drunk)

Just had to do it, the glass was really inviting.

Had the privilege to partayyy all the way with Arman, Yvonne, Foong and Kenn.

Handled BIG BIG money.

Decorated a Christmas tree.

Had a son. We both love pigging out.

Camwhored some more with Kenn.

Spent some quality time getting lost in Penang.Got a tour guide who speaks English (proper English mind you)

Witnessed Dad trying to be funny (apparently he was the ONLY pick pocket to be found in KLCC PC Fair)

Okay, I'm too lazy (as usual) to update. In summary (in addition to the above activities), I've been Warbook-ing like mad til Dad came and left and work started. So now my kingdom is falling apart.

Got my new slutty red car. Found out I don't enjoy being in the driver seat afterall.

Haven't had enough sleep due to busy work schedule and the sudden change of sleeping habits.

Watched "Across the Universe" and "Enchanted". Both very different genres but I enjoyed them nonetheless.

Got last semester's results. I'm laughing my a$$ off again. For my usual (lazy) effort, I got B average. Heck, I only remember being in ER class only 4 times the whole semester. So no complaints there.

Til next time...

focus ppl...

2007-11-11T22:54:00.001+08:00

Yes, here I am, procrastinating again. 2 more papers to go tomorrow and my laziness kicks in. What am i saying? I've always been lazy.

Anyhoo, back to focusing. Yes, I've been looking at a lot of photo blogs lately and I must say although the pictures are nice, I noticed some problems with the focus. Can they not see it with the super costly cameras? If I can take perfectly fine pictures with my lil z5, I think anyone can right?

There you go. Focus.

some pics to keep u guys entertained...

2007-10-31T18:19:00.000+08:00

Some random shots....

First and foremost, behold the world's 8th wonder

butter-not-flying-yet

isn't this pwetty? super macro

sad panda sushi

yes they had oodles on the list

coming out the closet...

she's still inside the box doofus

yes, m'sians. defy everything

Dian in her Ibanese outfit

And a story in SS 2....

One day, 3 little boys went to pig out on Lok Lok

(had to say pig out cuz of the name of the shop)

After pigging out, they went to get drinks at a nearby convenience store.

And saw this bunch of people standing around.

3 old guys on the left came down from the stairway while 3 guys on the right waited to go upstairs.

Some inappropriately dressed old ladies went in and out of that place as well.

(the name of the cake shop was very peculiar also)

So the boys did some speculation and concluded that it was some old lady joint...

...where groups of 3s go in to...

...and...

...and have a...

THE END

Hope Foongster goes to bed smiling after reading this...

skits

2007-10-18T17:08:00.000+08:00

ACT I : REHEARSAL

stephy baby helping mommy sammy escape

foongy boy "don't go mommy, don't go"

ACT II: CAMWHORING AROUND CAMPUS

got pulled over for indecent exposure

then i got arrested

z5 loves me

sarcastic lala shot. actually turned out cute. argh

ACT III: THE SKIT

runaway malay bride

we actually look like a couple, thus the rumor

pregnant bride

camwhoring...

2007-10-07T16:10:00.000+08:00

finally found the sailor outfit! mmm...

Brainstorming: Coffee & Cigs don't help anymore...

Subway sandwiches helped a lil...

Arman: the ladies' man...

Rena: fellow camwhorer...

My boi: all grown up...

Leroy: fart facing...

Sammy: smelled it...

I: probably inhaled it through my mouth...

Yvonne: killer reds...

BED: camwhoring...

BED: more camwhoring...

BED: and a lil bit more...

gracias!

2007-10-05T17:43:00.001+08:00

Thank you guys...this is the best birthday I've ever had, seriously.

My personal thank yous in no particular order...

Sammy: For keeping the surprise secret for 3 whole weeks and making it happen. And persuading Mr. Guee to take his shirt off for my birthday. (I know you wanted to see too! Haha)

Kenn: For all the surprises, the cigarette trick video, pancakes, the 'pipop' box + everything inside, and for the song.

Stephy: For being part of the surprise. (Not so innocent afterall, you can keep a secret for so long!)

Foongster: For being part of the surprise and singing Happy Birthday in the library. (Can't wait to see what your present is!)

Leroy for that impractical dildo. (Don't think I'll use it though. Might get splinters and too fat for me)

Everyone else for their wishes.

Last but not least, Daddio for the very heart-melting email and phone call. You finally made up for all the other birthdays.

I love you guys!

something finally got through...

2007-09-29T19:05:00.000+08:00

Today, I shed tears for Burma for the first time in my life.

I was looking through countless websites for updates on the current situation there. There was a very old song playing on one particular site. Maybe because it sounded like the people’s anthem or maybe because of the pictures of the crowds, I started crying.

I felt completely useless, not being able to do anything. I FINALLY feel connected to my own country. I know this statement is almost NOTHING compared to what other people have been doing for their country. But it’s better than nothing right?

It may sound unusual that I’ve never felt connected to my own country. It drove my Political Science lecturer up the wall for two and a half years. I told her yesterday how my feelings have changed. She said “FINALLY! I’m glad something went through to you”. I was very touched that some of the lecturers were wearing RED shirts. I was also ashamed that I forgot to wear it. I went home to change after that.

Note: sorry that my posts have been a little disorganized. My thoughts are all over the place.

confession...

2007-09-26T14:13:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make...

All my life, I’ve looked at the general Burmese population as whimps. Since all my information on Burma is secondhand, I’ve looked at Burma as a country that has nothing to do with me. I’ve been raised to be diplomatic about Burma and over the years I’ve gone back and forth over my “Government is necessary evil and every country needs it” to “my Mother Teresa instincts” to “plain apathy”. Call me unpatriotic but I have this “don’t be bothered by things that doesn’t really concern you directly” motto.

I don’t know what happened over this past week (probably because I’ve been keeping up with the news) but I’m actually concerned about Burma now. I feel guilty that I still don’t see it as my “direct concern”, however, I’m having the same worried feeling I had when I saw movies like “Hotel Rawanda” and “Blood Diamond”. And the overwhelming feeling I get when I go to football games and concerts. (bad example but its amazing how everyone in the crowd makes the same sound in unison).

For this movement, I applaud them, the protesters, for actually having the guts to make a change. I do not know HOW it will change, but it’s a change nonetheless.

I take back what I’ve said earlier, they are not whimps.

I also want to apologize for not being able to do anything to help them.

Lastly, I want to thank them for taking me out of this apathetic mindset.

NOTE:

Dear God,

If you’re listening (or reading this) -

1. Please help them make a change.

2. Please give them (both sides) strength, hope, wisdom, and the patience to settle this peacefully.

3. I'm giving up ALL the EMERGENCY WISHES I’ve saved up over the past few months. I think they deserve it.

4. Hopefully, let my wishes compensate for my apathy - for which I ask for forgiveness.

Yours truly,
IrIs

p.s – on a different note, thanks for the abundant bundle of esctasy you’ve sent me;)

Miscommunication? I think not!

2007-09-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what’s up with these people. What part of “I DON’T UNDERSTAND” can’t they understand?

If they really don’t understand English, it’s okay. But I get f.u.c.k.i.n.g P.I.S.S.E.D off when they DO know what I’m saying and don’t feel the need to communicate properly. It's just ineffective communication. Please don't waste my time and advertise your ignorance or lack of manners.

For example, if you intend to insult people, do it right and get your message across: INSULT. I really don't mind. What’s the point when I don’t even know what you’re saying? It’s like *BARKING* up the wrong tree. I seriously don't know why these people think that I can understand BM, Mandarin, Hokkein, Canton, etc when I CLEARLY stated the fact that I CAN'T? I never had this problem before elsewhere. Tsk Tsk Tsk.

On the other hand, if you want to b*tch about me and are afraid that I might actually understand what you're saying, please do so in whatever language I do not know. I can totally understand your need to b*tch about me right in front of me.

I will conclude that they’re either f.u.c.k.i.n.g S.T.U.P.I.D or f.u.c.k.i.n.g R.U.D.E!

So from now on, I’m making a vow to myself that “I shall walk away (have every right to) when people speak to me in foreign languages". Don’t say “that’s so rude!”. I am rude because you are! Comprende?

organized chaos...

2007-09-05T17:43:00.000+08:00

My life's an organized chaos...

I blame it on the Libra sign again...

When it's all organized,

I mess it up just so that I can clean it up again.

When will I ever finish the puzzle?

Nah, the puzzle doesn’t come with a completed picture.

And there are no instructions...

I'll complete the puzzle and put it in a frame

only when I’m dead I guess.

Q please...

2007-08-20T20:47:00.000+08:00

I know I said I've finally separated my PIES.

But what to do when all the pieces want a piece of me?

People, people...I am only one person.

Please Q or take a number.

Haha…Damn cocky.

Just procrastinating before work as usual.

I don't mean anything by it.

I actually LOVE all the pieces of the PIE.

xoxoxo

i wouldn't have it any other way...

2007-08-08T14:03:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I now know what Aunty Jenny meant when she said “God doesn’t answer your prayers straight away or exactly the way you want it. He will answer it the way he sees fit”. Basically, GOD does not operate like a “drive-thru” window. So I’ve stopped bugging you with unnecessary prayers and been sticking to ONE EMERGENCY WISH a month plan for about 2 years now.

I don’t know when I prayed for this, but its all happening now.

-I now have LIFE GOALS (although I’m still torn between the BMW Young Executive and the Volvo Soccer Mom plan).

-I know what I want with my life and how to get that. I’m now aware of my capabilities. I don’t feels so lost or useless anymore.

-The best part is SELF-REALISATION. I’m finally realizing and accepting all things that makes me: ME. I like the naïve part, the serious part, the goofball part, the vulnerable part, the evil part, the caring part, everything!

-I’m also surrounded by people who actually get me. I learned that one person cannot have all the characteristics I look for. But I’m grateful that the selected few people around me enriches my life in their own ways. I get a healthy dose of spontaneous, crazy, caring, cocky, shocking, understanding, inspiring, patience, etc. (Thanks guys. I think you know who you are. If you don't, you can ask me;)

-And I’ve finally learned how to manage and separate my PIES, different aspects of my life.

-I no longer practice the COCOON theory (all you need is persuasion to get me out of my shell).

-I’ve learned to look at the bigger picture and not get bothered by small things, even people who piss me off. It’s like a training ground to test my patience.

-And I don't have family woes anymore. (Thank you and please, no more)

Generally, “I want to be content with my life” wish is coming true. So THANKS AGAIN! Keep up the good work! (I bet no one thanks you this much in detail. Haha)

Yours truly,

Iris

the dark encounter...

2007-07-12T11:15:00.000+08:00

I may have overestimated myself. I suspect that maybe I haven’t grown up at all, despite what I have said a few entries ago.

Reason? Because I react to movies the way a child would for one. Another reason being "not wanting to go to school in the morning" but that's a whole different story. Well according to the great Mojo Jojo’s (the monkey with an oversized brain) observations anyway. He said “that’s exactly why they have PG ratings for movies like that”. I show tendencies towards violence after watching violent movies.

The gang and I watched Die Hard 4 the other day (Kick ass cool by the way. A must watch!) and I felt like bashing someone up, just like John McClane. He pulled Maggie Q’s hair out (Reminded me of that time I pulled a handful of hair outta that lil neighbor boy’s head in Burma. Felt good…) McClane’s so cool, the reluctant hero. Or maybe I like the Die Hard franchise and every movie with Bruce Willis in it because he reminds me of my dad (look-wise, my dad gets woozy at the sight of blood).

Anyway, I’m going off track here. Where was I? Oh yes, violent movies. I watched Hannibal Raising today and felt like killing someone for the pleasure of…well, just killing. (Been watching too many twisted movies lately. I liked Perfume, Story Of A Murder also)

What’s happening to me? I used to watch The Holiday, Love Actually and A Walk To Remember kind of movies and cry. I think that snake encounter (thanks to those 2) released my adrenaline valve or something. Or is this another side of Libra that has never come out before? You know that part where the female has male traits and vice versa? Okay, I already know that I don’t act like a normal girl but killing people and bashing someone up is a bit too extreme, even for me!

What happened to vanilla? *scratch head* I have no idea. If you see her, please tell her “Bon Voyage” for me because I’m liking this state a lil. *evil grin* Oh god, I’m sick!

2007-07-09T11:29:00.000+08:00

One night in Kenn’s room

Oh my god! A hem…*cough cough* sorry lost my voice from squealing too much last night. Let me try it again…OH MY GOD! Other than that, I don’t know what else to say about last night. I’ll try my best to recite what happened. Here goes…

I was utterly bored out of my mind yesterday and Kean Foong came to rescue with a Yum Cha plan with his high school friends. I asked if Kenn was coming because I didn’t really know the others. He said “Yes, don’t worry. I’ll make sure you don’t feel alone.” (Aww my hero) Later he messaged “There’s been a change of plans. We’re meeting Kenn and his friend in Bangsar”. I thought “Hey, why not? Any plan is better than no plan at all.” Boy, was I wrong…

So we went to Bangsar. Can’t remember the name of the place we chilled. (Guys help me out here?”) Met Kenn and his colleague Joyce. (I remember this name, haha and LOVE the shoes). Anyway, gave Kenn a hug and he said “Ooo you gained weight”. I wanted to kick his balls but thought it was inappropriate in front of Joyce so I sat down. We ordered our drinks and talked about (I don’t know why) Sponge Bob Square Pants (they said I act like Sandy, must watch Sponge Bob to check), Ren & Stimpy, tattoos & piercings, Insurance, Bollywood Blockbuster movie and our Bangkok trip (No point making a “what happens in BKK stays in BKK” rule when everyone knows about it. Sheesh!). Weird thing is, the conversation switched from topic to topic amazingly well. (Don’t ask how). Oh we also had shisha apple (good choice Kenn). Funny seeing Kean Foong blow out smoke though. Haha.

After that Kenn sent Joyce home and we made rendezvous at his place. We were supposed to help him finish his left over bottles. That was the plan. What happened afterwards was beyond my imagination. When I entered his house, I suddenly remembered that he loves, yes LOVES exotic animals. Everything in the house sent chills down my spine (even the subwoofer under a cloth). I felt myself shrinking with fright somehow. I covered my eyes, held my breath and entered his room. OH MY GOD!

There were countless containers of Spiders! Okay, they weren’t really countless but I didn’t look long enough to count them. And they’re not just spiders. They’re Tarantulas! *burr* I was thinking ”Its okay. They’re all in their containers. You’ll be fine if you don’t touch or move anything”. The Snake was right beside his bed in a huge container. *double burr* I tried not to look at that direction. “C’mon, selective eye sight. Don’t fail me now”. *scratch scratch* (I have this weird reaction when I SEE creepy things, especially Snakes!). I looked at his bottle collection instead (Inspired by me he says. Hehe). Had some German cough syrup like drink which is 80% alcohol. (Can’t remember this name either, Kenn?).

And then from out of nowhere, he brings out this stink bomb pellet and broke it open. OH MY GOD! The whole room smelled like rotten eggs! He has a very weird and shocking way of entertaining guests. Wait, there’s more to come. After the smell subsided, or rather we’ve gotten used to it, he brings out another shocker. Brought down one of his countless containers and took out the Tarantula! After assuring me that it will not bite, jump or do ANYTHING at all, he put it on my hands. I think I took it pretty well. What do you think?

They were having a blast of course, at my expense. Huumph, bastards! And then our beloved host brought the Snake out. He said it’s not icky or slimy. If it was, he would eat 5 worms. (Oh don’t even get me started about the worms). I couldn’t even make myself look in that direction. He pulled my hands and slowly put the Snake’s tail in my hands. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!! At this point, I was so scared that I couldn’t tell the difference between Kenn’s hands and the Snake. (I’m sooo sorry. I will never make fun of your long feminine fingers). And with generous amount of squealing…Voila! Almost peed in my pants! (I did not look at the picture although I uploaded it)

That’s not all. After that he felt like he should show me more gross stuff so he googled “Goatsy or Goatsie” and showed me the pictures. OH MY GOD! Show me the snake. I don’t mind looking at the snake anymore! (google it yourself so that you know what I’m talking about). And then some more pictures that put me off Bakuteh for a very long time.

Phew…that’s about it for the overdose of excitement part. Oh wait, there’s another shocker. Kenneth sings! Sings pretty good too. I couldn’t believe that it was his voice on the song. (Take it as a compliment Kenn. Hehe) He played the Ibanez guitar and sang for us a little bit. Now that’s explains the girly hands! Haha. He burned 2 songs for me and we bid him farewell (It was already 4am! Time sure flies when you’re screaming. Hope I didn’t wake the neighbors).

As a result:

- I couldn’t sleep properly for fear of having snake dreams like in that Witch movie (shit, I can’t remember the name again!)
- I think I actually shrank one size from fright, my PJs felt loose.
- I will never complain that I’m bored in front of those 2 ever again.
- Kenn couldn’t sleep with an evil grin because of the stink bomb he broke in his room.
- He owes me an autographed copy of his debut album as compensation for the trauma he caused.
- Foong found his word of the day “EPIC”.
- He probably slept with an evil grin. Biach!

Conclusion:

Don’t ever go to Kenn’s house. Just meet him outside and frisk his pockets for spiders (just in case).

too lazy, will update later...

2007-07-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

melancholy

2007-07-03T14:27:00.000+08:00

In the midst of my final video report for work, I found the urge to blog once again (Read: PROCRASTINATION + AVOIDING STUFF I DON’T WANT TO DO).

I’ve been feeling useless all day because my internship ended as of last Thursday. School will start next week. Amazingly I don’t feel like going back to school. For once in my life, I actually enjoy working (Dad, don’t faint. I’m actually serious). All day, I’ve been feeling restless and useless at the same time, can’t even sit still. Result: cleaned whole house while walking back and forth.

Anyway, I’ve been going through the Red Archer folder in my laptop and went through the pictures we’ve taken throughout out the whole internship period (Hadyai trip not included). I found myself feeling nostalgic for some reason. I really really enjoyed working there. Some pictures brought back the painful moments we had to go through and lots of pictures with fun filled moments. Can’t wait to download the Hadyai pictures!

The whole experience was a blast! I’m sorry for all those who did not enjoy their internships. Actually I’m not sorry. I believe God is finally making up for all the shitty things I had to go through my whole life. Haha! I’ve learned a whole lot more in 2 months than years of education in school. It’s nothing theoretical (maybe that’s why I like it) but more of how to improvise in different real life situations. They just throw you to the deep end and you just got to learn how to get back to shore. I’m really grateful for this experience. Wish I don’t have to go back to school.

Okay, now I have to get back to my video editing. I’ve been doing this for a week now and still can’t make myself finish it. Maybe I don’t want this to end. Haha…

event management 101

2007-06-19T20:03:00.000+08:00

Event Management 101

1. You are NOT ALLOWED to die on the job. You will be awoken from the grave to finish the event and ONLY when the event is done, you may go back to R.I.P.

2. There’s no such thing as a 9-5 job or T.G.I.F. Public holidays are the busiest.

3. When things are busy, 7 days a week of long hours is not enough. When there’s nothing going on, you may do whatever you want in the office or take a vacation for 2 months.

4. Don’t ever use expensive clothing or accessories (shoes, bags, shades, phones, cars, etc) unless you’re filthy rich to begin with.

5. Wear comfortable clothing to suit any kind of situation/weather/task.

6. The actual role you play in the event may vary from Director, Supervisor, Cameraman to Kuli (sometimes all at the same time) regardless of what it says on the name card.

7. Do WHATEVER necessary to get the job done.

8. Don’t come up with problems, come up with solutions.

9. Cover up for anyone who messes up. You can screw them later. The client must NEVER EVER see what goes on behind the scene.

10. Say goodbye to your social life. Throw in your family and love life too.

11. Plan for the best. Also have plan B, C and D. But also be prepared to improvise if things don’t go according to the above plans.

12. If possible, have a set of overnight things in your car.

13. Laptop is a must.

14. Bring charger for your laptop + hand phone wherever you go.

15. Use postpaid for your phone.

16. Checklists are your life.

17. Shades are compulsory. (advice: get cheap fake ones)

18. Your boss will give you free tickets to various events or ask you to join them for a night out and still expect you to turn up early for work.

19. Brainstorming sessions works best if you are under some kind of influence be it, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine or weed.

20. You will get a lot of freebies for various companies.

21. Bring your name card along wherever you go and keep every name card you receive because they might come in handy one way or another.

To be continued...

after all...

2007-06-11T12:24:00.000+08:00

I just realized something. I used to be bothered by things that I shouldn't be bothering about. It actually wasted a lot of my time and caused unnecessary stress. Over the past few months, I've learned that there are better things in life and better things to do than being bothered by nonsense. It was hard to adapt but I’ve learned to let go of things. What if not everything is the way I want them to be? What if something goes wrong? What if I get let down? What if I had to do more than I’m supposed to? What if they think this way? What if what I’m doing is not enough? What if my room’s monotonous theme is ruined because of a RED rug? (It’s a nice change actually).

In the end, I found out that things aren’t really that bad even if they’re not the way I want them to be. I still whine every now and then but I’ve given up my drama-queen ways.

I’ve finally succeeded in being an adult. So proud of myself =)

a miracle...

2007-05-30T10:49:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

My little family problem is solved. I think it was a miracle that it just happened out of nowhere. So it must be your doing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Such a relief for my instant headaches (yes I said instant and not constant cuz I don’t get it unless they bring it up).

Other parts of my life are going okay so I have nothing to complain (so far). Thank you for that too =)

p.s: I may or may not have used my emergency wish for last month. Can you check?

i'm F.I.N.E

2007-05-22T13:03:00.000+08:00

There're a lot of things I'm doing because I HAVE to do them, some because I have no other choice, some because of certain circumstances and some because I want to. There are so many things to do that I don’t have the time to stop and think whether I like it or not.

For example, there are certain parts of the job that are absolute nightmares. I don’t want to do it if I had the choice but since I don’t have a choice, I’m just going to suck it up and do it. At least I will feel relieved after it’s all over (the best part of Event Management)

There're certain things that I don’t agree with SOME people (not from work) but since they’re not DIRECTLY bothering me, I will turn away and ignore it because it doesn’t really concern me. Less complication.

There're also a LOT of things that I don’t feel comfortable about my room BUT since there’s nothing really WRONG with it, I might as well live with it because it’s not going to be long anyway.

There're A LOT OF THINGS I would've done differently under different circumstances, but since this is the way things are at the moment, I’ll just have to live with it.

Normally, if things are not EXACTLY the way I want them to be, I either fix them or run away. Or rather I just hide in my little sanctuary. Like I mentioned earlier, my room (my hiding place) is not the way I want it to be so I have no place left to hide. So for the time being, if I don’t really agree with it, I will just turn away and pretend nothing is wrong.

Yes, nothing is wrong. I’m F.I.N.E.

my previous hiding place (yes baby, i miss u)

belated mother's day...

2007-05-14T13:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I thought of sending my mother a card and a present. But I don’t know how to reach her. She hasn’t replied my last letter and I don’t know whether she’s changed her address or not. I can’t call her either. I saw these reminders for Mother’s Day everywhere I look and felt bad that I can’t even reach her. I tried to make fun of my colleagues and how they spent their mother’s day to make myself feel better. If I had the chance, I definitely would’ve done it better than them.

It’s kind of ironic that my Mom called today. I was looking forward to hearing from her but it wasn’t this kind of call. This was the kind that I always dread. She whines and pours her heart out with all her problems, problems that I can do NOTHING to help. All I can do is offer her advice, advice she refuses to take. How can she expect me to help? I have trouble taking care of my own life, a life that she left behind. I’m not holding grudges or anything. Honest. It just really kills me not being able to help her when she calls. I feel so useless. And people ask me why I don’t talk about my mom. It’s not like I’m not thinking about her. I just choose not to because every time I talk about her, it just highlights her problems and the fact that I can’t do anything to help her. I feel that it’s my duty and I feel the burden on my shoulder. Sigh…

Why couldn’t I have a normal family where every family member plays their own roles?

all in one...

2007-05-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

In the midst of packing my stuff to move to Sammy’s place, I had a sudden inspiration to blog again. Maybe it’s the “Dashboard Confessionals – Vindicated” song playing in the background or was it Foong asking me to update or maybe I just don't want to pack? So here I am, writing. But I don’t know what to write. So many things happening at the same time, so fast that I have no time to think. I haven’t written any of my ‘usual’ thoughts lately.

Firstly, work is farking hectic and tiring but I’m enjoying it nonetheless. It comes with some hidden incentives to it ;) So I have no complaints except some whiny moments here and there. Did I mention its farking tiring? I think I’ve said “Oh my God, I’m dying” so many times that I’ve lost count. I’m not exaggerating this time. Some people complain about their 9-5 jobs. I’d like to see you do 20 hours a day for 4 days straight, on your feet, under the scorching sun, covered with dust and sweat (not a good combination), every part of your body aching, etc. However, an event has to end after a certain period. And we get the satisfaction of knowing we pulled it off flawlessly and seeing the end results immediately. The M.D was pretty impressed. He threw us to the deepest end and we delivered with no problems and no questions asked.

Apart from that little test, all’s well at Red Archer. We smoke in the office, we take breaks whenever we want (if there’s nothing much to do), everything is paid for by the company (and I mean EVERYTHING), we go out for drinks Friday nights, we get lots of freebies, we get along well with everyone in the office. I couldn’t ask for more. Well, there IS one thing that I would ask though. I want my WEEKENDS OFF! Yea, we get day off on a weekday if we work on the weekend but what’s the point when you’re free and everyone else is busy? Seriously, there’s no social life, or even love life in event management. Glad we met up with Foong for short lunch and IKEA trip, although we didn’t talk that much. I had so many things on my mental to-do list.

Everything is pretty much sorted out on my list. All I need to do now is to follow it through. Call me a freak but I get really restless and perplexed when everything’s not in order (read: the way I want them to be). My old room is a mess (stuff to be packed and thrown away everywhere). My new room is empty (have no idea WHERE to put WHAT). I just bought a huge RED rug from IKEA (Impulse buy and it does NOT blend with ANYTHING I own. If you know me at all, you will know that I’ve never bought anything red in my life!). My whole week is packed (2 more events to plan). My weekend will be on assignment in Penang (again!). I am sick and taking antibiotics (which I hate because it kills all my taste buds and ruins food, which I love!). Plus I have to recalculate my finances due to a s***-load of stuff I bought over the weekend. Oh another thing, I have to say goodbye to my baby bed. One last night together. I shall miss her deeply. Single bed’s nothing compared to the Queen :( Okay I shall get back to my packing now. See, how I avoid things I don't want to do?

(*hint to the big guy up there, I have 3 wishes for March, April and May ya?)

Current Wish-list:

- Weekend free

By the way, Dad said he’s proud of me, what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. Such a relief, living up to ONE expectation! So here's to you Dad...

Dashboard Confessionals

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

me n my bed...

2007-05-08T00:47:00.000+08:00

Argh! I can't sleep! I've been sooo looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again and now I can't sleep. I think my bed is mad at me for leaving her alone for 5 days. I'm not kidding. I've been trying to sleep for like 2 hours, rolling around in bed. Maybe I'm too exhausted or maybe the adrenaline is still there. But I seriously think it's the bed giving me cold shoulders because she feels neglected. We share a very special bond you see? She's my first love. So excuse me while I go apologize...

"I'm so sorry baby. It's not like I wanted to go. Just had to as a duty. I hope you understand. I never want to leave you alone again. I'll quit my internship now."

10 mins later...
Hope that worked. I seriously need some Zzzs. Had like only 4 hours sleep for the past 4 nights. I'm dying...

home sweet home...

2007-05-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Ipoh. Too tired and lazy to write an entry so just uploaded some pics to say what I've been saying for 5 days! And I really mean it!

i heart...

2007-04-21T15:04:00.000+08:00

I love spontaneity. Why? Read the previous entry. Everything comes with a history. Hehe. Anyhoo…I love spontaneity and I like the unpredictable nature of doing things on impulse. (Only one side of Libra, I can be a very organized freak sometimes).

Friday, 20th April is now considered one of the best days of this year(so far). I woke up with so many text messages beeping one after another. Not the best way to wake up but we already made plans to go for lunch in Bangsar so I dragged myself out of bed. Sammy and me as usual, later joined by Foong and Kevin. Had lunch at The Talk and had “the talk” ;) However, I shall not repeat the conversation here because we made a “what happens in Bangsar, stays in Bangsar” vow, which also reminded me of the Bangkok vow. Shhh our secret keeper* I do have to spill the beans on kissing Sammy though. It was a dare for losing Tai Tee but I enjoyed it nonetheless (someone’s jealous about this). Girls’ lips are sooo soft! I think I got carried away and grabbed her head ;) Mmm…

After that we went shopping at Blook and Cat Whiskers. Never been there before and they’re very girly but I liked some of them. Was supposed to buy tops for the internship but ended up getting a skirt, black pants and a halter. Hehe. Impulse buy ;) We were in Bangsar from like 4pm to 9pm.

Rushed home for a shower after shopping and went out again for dinner at Paddington house of pancakes (the Curve). Had enormous amount of cheese and a little bit of ice cream. David Blaine made my day even better by making a special appearance for 15 mins! Weee…His prediction also came true when Sammy and I ended up in Sanctuary after dinner. Haha. I didn’t want to go in but Sammy said the songs are really nice tonight so I HAD to go in. Took our usual spot in front of the bar and the DJ. No surprises there ;) We ordered a jug of Long Island Iced Tea (it is NOT tea!) and finished it in 4 sips between songs. Saw a guy who looked like Mary (only taller) and I think he wanted to dance with me ;) Haha. We came home talking really loud in the car and a lil more than tipsy. Went to bed smiling and slept like a log. Phew!

What a day!!! My conclusion: I heart spontaneity. I heart Sammy. I heart shopping. I heart pancakes. I heart Sanctuary. I heart Long Island Iced Tea. And…well that’s about it for now ;)

Note to self: must thank Dad for the money and making all this possible. Was kinda depressed when I had none.

defiance? nah...

2007-04-21T14:33:00.000+08:00

Majority of things in my life has always been planned out and decided by someone else (Read: Dad “This is what you should do” “This is my house, and you have to follow my rules”). I resented him for being such a control freak. All I wanted to do was to get away from him. At that stage, I finally empathized and forgave my Mom for leaving.

There can never be “the best laid plans”. Something always goes wrong. Some are my fault and some are not. Life is like an experiment “What happens if I do this?” “What happens if I mix this with that?” “What happens if I put this here?”. Since everything and everyone is unique, we can never come up with a formula like in a lab experiment (controlled environment). My dad raised me in a controlled environment and sent me out to the world. His theory was “I trained you to be independent and how to make your own decisions. I’m sure you can take care of yourself”. Thinking back, he never let me make my own decisions. I was heavily under his influence in making MY own choices. So his experiment (me) came back with a lot of different results that he did not expect.

He couldn’t comprehend at first why I turned out like that. I react under pressure (Read: things I do not want to do), I shut things out I do not want to know or feel, I run away from things that I do not like, I perform better if I do things at my own pace when I have the mood or inspiration, etc. Then after a lotttt of counseling sessions, he finally realized all that and made compromises. “I think this is the best for you” turned into “I know you will make the right choice” and then “I will support you in what ever choice you make”. It took him over 20 years to understand me and our relationship turned out better than before. Distance is also another factor that made it easier. No more annoyance. No more rules. Now he’s actually proud of me for making my ACTUAL choices and doing things my way.

The reason why I’m so complicated? Well read the entry below on Libra + think about my rojak ancestry + my TCK traits (entry sometime ago). I think you’ll have a hint of what I am like.

a classic libra...

2007-04-19T19:40:00.000+08:00

I’m so so bored. Exam schedule is screwed up (9, 11, 16 and then 27th April), leaving me feeling useless and frustrated at the same time, waiting for it to end. While browsing around to kill my boredom, I came upon this astrology web page the other day. I just looked it up cuz Mimi was telling me stuff about her Virgo. The traits that she mentioned got me a lil confused about my Virgo because there are some similarities and some differences. Shall not think any further cuz they’re two different individuals (one’s a DJ and one’s an engineer/magician). Haha.

Anyhoo, like any other self-involved person, I checked my zodiac as well and found myself laughing out loud (alone in my room). *tsk tsk

Some interesting things I found so true:

-Just because the sign is symbolized by the golden scales of justice, don't ever think that Libras are always perfectly balanced. First one side is low, then the other. Up and down, and they dip until there's perfect balance

-Libras can be calm, perfectly balanced, sweet, gracious and charming individuals but the other half of the time, they can be annoying, quarrelsome, stubborn, restless, depressed and confused

-There's no such thing as a typical Libra feature, unless if it’s the Venus dimple

-They’re incredibly naive and gullible

-Librans love people, but hate large crowds

-They can also be sulky, and they balk at taking orders

-Librans would rather take their time and get it right than make a false start and have to repeat the process

-Librans are restless people. But they seldom rush or hurry

-They are born with an affection for books

-They'll talk your ear off, yet they're wonderfully good listeners

-First they'll talk up a storm and monopolize the conversation. Then they'll listen intently, with flattering interest. When others are fighting, they’ll play the role of peacemaker, and smooth everyone's ruffled feathers. Then they'll turn right around, deliberately take the other side in discussion, and start an argument for the pure relish of it

-The Sun sign itself is known as Lazy Libra, and that's another inconsistency. For days, weeks or months on end, Librans can be too busy to play. They'll burn gallons of midnight oil, then rise and shine in time to hear the rooster crow. Suddenly, they'll plop down into a chair, say, "I'm bushed," and give the best imitation of laziness you've ever seen. Once they've plopped, you won't catch them moving a muscle if they can help it. After a period, when they’ve recouped their forces, they’ll feel a spurt of energy, get up, and start chugging down the track again

-They can weep with overflowing sentiment, turn sharply sarcastic, then be as bright and cheerful as the first robin in spring

-To truly understand Libra, you must understand the riddle of the scales; one side heaped high with October's vivid, golden leaves, suggesting brisk, autumn weather- the other side holding sky blue bunches of shy violets, drenched in the fresh scent of April rain. When the scales dip, bright optimism turns into silent panic, weighed down with lonely depression. When they balance, they produce a perfect harmony between his rich, crackling intellect and his affectionate, sympathetic heart. The seasons hold Libra's secret.

farnee...

2007-04-11T22:55:00.000+08:00

I stole this from Prakash's page. Just found it funny cuz I was JUST talking about an engineer (coincidentally, I swear!) today. A totally different perspective on my previous impressions of engineers. Hahaha...

When choosing A mate, compare these other professionals to engineers

Doctors
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

Lawyers
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. Salesmen See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to tradeshows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

Teachers
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

Hazardous Professions, i.e. Firefighters, Construction Workers, Policemen, Etc.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the computer terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And If you think he is looking at another woman, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

david blaine fantasy...

2007-04-10T15:32:00.000+08:00

16 hours before my 2nd paper, I found myself getting bored again. Have no one else around and don’t feel like having anyone around also. I’m actually enjoying the boredom for once. This week’s been pretty exciting. It’s only Tuesday but I’m feeling pretty good about the whole week. Plus I finally got my actual allowance today! Had to pay a bomb for the rent and bills and it rained like hell today but even that didn’t dampen my mood. So basically I’m bored but happy.

I’ve not studied because I think I’ve already got it covered somehow. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. So far it’s the best exam period I’ve had so far in my college life. Not panicked at all and no nervous puking in the morning. I’m actually quite hyper this week.

Something interesting happened the other day. I found David Blaine on Friendster! Well I actually found him quite a while back but didn’t have the guts to send him a message until like a week ago. And he replied! Anddd…he remembers me! I thought he might not reply to the freaky girl who kept staring and giggling at him on Halloween night one and a half years ago. But he did! Hehehe…I was all giggles again. He’s super smooth, he has a killer smile, he talks a lot (like me) and he’s knowledgable. For once, I didn’t have to explain what OCD means or who Murphy was. And I think he actually gets what I'm saying (idea-wise). Why can’t all guys be like that? Tsk tsk. *shakes head*

Okay enough for now. Shall try to read at least a lil bit so that I can get reassurance from Daddio when I check with him later. Lalala…

my life-long fantasy...

2007-04-07T19:05:00.000+08:00

I might have to give up my complaining ways. Cuz when joy comes, it comes abundantly as well. I guess my luck goes like that: all bad things at once and then all good things at once. Not bad, I’d have to say. Hehe…Thank you God. Shall go to church (whenever I can from now on). And goodbye Murphy. It’s not like I’d miss you but good bye nonetheless.

My “drama-sappy-chic-movie” fantasy came true! Someone went through a lot just to see me for 45 minutes! I thought I’d never have that moment in this life-time but yay, it came true! See? Who said it only happens in movies? Lalala. Excuse me while I go and prance around. Lalala…

emergency wish...

2007-04-05T21:27:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

I believe I still have 2 emergency wishes for Feb & March. It's already 5th of April so now you owe me 3. Can I please have my allowance now? Like tonight? I need to get something for Sammy's birthday tomorrow. I want to get her something nice, something she likes. Please please please? It's not even for me so its not a selfish wish. (Well, 30% selfish maybe, cuz I want to have dinner at Tony Romas too. Okay 40% selfish cuz I also want to get a martini. There. 60% to make someone else happy is not considered selfish right?). A hem. Please ignore the line in the brackets. Anyhoo, I'd really really appreciate it if I could have my wish, at least by the time I wake up tomorrow? Thank you=D

Most sincerely,
IrIs

Edit:

OMG God works in mysterious ways! I posted this entry at 9:25. And then checked my account for like a millionith time today and the money's there! Wooo...Thank you God. Now you owe me 2;)

in the name of education...

2007-04-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

I was just talking to Wendee about moving to new places and adapting to change and stuff. She’s going to Australia in June. And I suddenly realized that we do a lot of things in the name of education. I mean we lose a lot of things in the name of education (in my case). First of all, knowledge and education are not the same. Knowledge can be obtained through so many ways. Education is obtained in an institution where you get a piece of paper at the end of the course. Since there’s no visible proof of your knowledge, we have to go through the education process to get that proof, a piece of paper.

Maybe I’m not that competitive, or maybe I’m just bragging. ALL that I’ve learned from the 23 subjects I’ve taken so far in Mass Comm, I could’ve learnt it ALL from my dad like 10 years ago. I wish I had paid attention when he was talking about all those stuff. I thought it doesn’t really concern me and it never will. Oh, how I was wrong.

So in the name of education, I have lost and wasted:

- 6 years of my life
- LOTS and I mean LOTS of money (could’ve saved the money and invested it somewhere. Could’ve been a millionaire before the age of 25)
- Friends
- A father
- All the comforts of staying at home and having your own car with a chauffer
- And other countless little things that I can never get again…

On a positive note: The actual thing I learned in college is how to deal with people. Nothing academic. That’s about it.

Here I go again, whining. Well, this isn’t really whining. More like fuming. I’m sick and cranky. Therefore a cranky entry.

drama queen...

2007-03-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

It has only been 2 happy and carefree entries and Drama Queen strikes again. I think I'm addicted to drama (and i think this is the first time I'm mentioning the word 'drama' in my blog). I can't help it, its an addiction. Everything was going well and I just went LOOKING for it. Serves you right Vanilla, for being nosy! I shall keep my eyes closed from now on.

Here's a song that's in my head now. Kinda dedicated to someone. Can you guess who?

All the same – Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see them clearly
I don't care no, I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

(I don't mind…I don't care…As long are you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same)

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

(Repeat chorus)

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

(Repeat chorus)

goodbye Murphy...

2007-03-29T17:26:00.000+08:00

My days are getting better. I didn’t even need to use my emergency wish this month. Come to think of it, I haven’t used it for two months. I was too busy stressing that I actually forgot I have one emergency wish a month. Note to the Guy up there: I have 2 wishes ya?

Happy thoughts:

- Today is (technically) my last day of school for this term.
- Played pool with Alfons, Foong, Sammy & Stephanie.
- Got a hug from Naz (*aww* Cuz it's his last term in Taylor’s)
- Got a hug from Mary (*faints* Cuz it’s also his last term in Taylor’s OR maybe I just wanted a hug? Hehe. He lived up to his promise though)
- Pintoness kept smiling at me at the pool center. I felt weird bending over in front of her, therefore missed a lot of shots. She also said “Hey I’m going back, don’t miss me ya?” (*blush* + *giggle* + *sweat*)
- Saw Mary Jane also but not that exciting anymore cuz of the preferred ones above.
- No classes tomorrow for ONCE this term.
- I also have a meeting with my football team manager tomorrow.
- And Gary is not M.I.A anymore. Shall kick his butt when I see him.

Depressing thoughts:

- Extra class next week. (Just one depressing thought? So unlike Vanilla. Hehe)

beautiful day...

2007-03-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

I’ve been planning to update for awhile now, but was just too lazy to do so. You may or may not have noticed that most of my entries are whiny. It doesn’t mean that I’m ALWAYS whiny. It’s just that I don’t write much when my life’s going all happy and dandy. Thus, whiny entries most of the time.

This entry however, is on a happy note. I think Murphy has finally lifted his curse on me. Everything is going the way I wanted. All the time, money, effort, sweat, blood (yes I bled for my portfolio), sleepless nights, countless number of cigarettes + coffee + red bull, bad skin, bad hair days, bad food, messy room, etc. was worth it. I know I work at a pace very different from most but hey, I pulled it off. Now I know what Eiran meant by “Work smart, don’t work hard”.

On a high note:

- Finished all projects/assignments for this term
- Most subjects’ grades are satisfactory, especially the stupid magazine where I had to do most of the work. Got 76 for just 20 pages (actually 16 pages cuz 4 was just pure crap). Haha. In your face Ms. Professional! I did it my way and I did fine. (Thanks Foong for the help)
- Got the internship job at Red Archer, without a hitch (Thanks Sammy, looking forward to working together)
- Had good food and drinks to de-stress in the midst of projects
- Broaden my horizons: met new people, went new places
- Managed to move on without closure
- Detached from former emo-vanilla-self
- Pintoness likes my butt
- Planned my football team line-up with the manager

On a low note:

- Finals coming up and I have no idea where to start studying
- Financially restricted thanks to all the projects
- The accent won over my RESUME and personality once again. Bleh!
- Can’t find anyone to go Tioman Islands with =(
- Stupid Gary ditched me for 300

vanilla with chocolate chips...

2007-03-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

It's amazing what 7 hours of undisturbed sleep can do. It feels like heaven! My brain is finally working and I am capable of thinking again! I found myself thinking about planning for a holiday. Hmm…where to go? Must “google” it.

Yes, I’m actually happy because of the 7 hours sleep. Sad eh? But I’m just glad that I can finally think again. It was disturbing when I realized that I was walking around like a zombie not knowing what year we’re in. Burr *shudders.

Most of the stupid projects are done and submitted. Just the magazine left. Thanks Foong for taking care of the Tabloid thingy.

I’ve realized something has changed over the past 2 weeks also. I’ve learned how to say “NO” and detach myself from my former “vanilla” self. (vanilla = soft and push over) Due to the sleep deprivation, I’ve been pretty moody and selfish. I didn’t care about what people think or feel. I’ve been trying to be “detached” from my emotions for so long, I’ve finally made it (thanks to Taylor’s). I was running on virtual memory. Haha. I wasn’t really there so if I did anything un-vanilla like, that’s my zombie talking. I like it though. I stopped caring and the world’s a brighter place. Conclusion: shouldn’t care too much about things.

Daily Analysis

Physical – geared up for one last project…
Mental – enlightened…
Emotional – detached…
Intellectual – nothing much. I’d rather not for now…
Financial – financially restricted due to stupid printing…
Love/Lust – still upset that Pintoness is back with her boy…but Mary said he likes my belt, so I’m happy again…

do my eyes deceive me?

2007-03-20T17:16:00.000+08:00

I’ve been having so many sleepless nights for the past two weeks. I don’t know what I’ve been doing but I know it sure wasn’t anything I liked (nothing fun except that steaming hot night out at the Sanctuary). Everything was a blur. I think I made myself virtually high so that I don’t actually remember anything during that time. But it works though. I’ve finished and submitted the STUPID portfolio. I’m finally satisfied with the outcome. Maybe because I can’t possibly do any more than I’ve already done. Nothing to be excited about though. This is just 1 out of 7 things dued this and next week. Anyhoo, things got a lot better after that.

I was all blurry and just about to go home from school to spend some quality time with my bed, and out of the blues, someone poked my back. I was quite shocked to see it was Mary. Haha. He’s never done that to me before. Ever. (btw, those of you who do not know who Mary is, he’s a guy from school with a super fine, drool worthy bod, and equally fine perky ass. Mary’s just a code name). The closest we got was when he offered his café latte during our cigarette breaks. My day turned a little brighter.

I came home smiling. When I was just about to plop myself down on the bed, I remembered that I have to send some emails. So I went online and for no particular reason, I checked my Pintoness’s Friendster profile. She’s SINGLE! OMG! It’s like a dream come true. I’m sure she’ll be dating someone else after awhile but I just like the idea of her being single. My day got brighter again. Don’t know why. (btw, for those of you who do not know who Pintoness is, she's this super hot chic from school with sparkling eyes. She's my 2nd Paula Malai Ali. I melt everytime I see her.)

Here I am, supposed to be spending quality time with my bed in a dark cool room. Instead, I find myself blogging about my beautiful people and how they made my day brighter. I can’t sleep for a whole different reason now. Haha. Is it because of them or because I’ve finally submitted my portfolio? I don’t know but I wouldn’t mind more days like that (minus the whole day part till 4:15pm).

Daily Analysis

Physical – whole body whining like a run down car…plus so many cuts on my fingers thanks to portfolio…
Mental – feels like I’m living in an alternate world where my senses are reversed…
Emotional – hysterical more like…
Intellectual – learned that I shouldn’t show people my potential, they expect more…
Financial – broke eh…spent so much on the STUPID printing, 3 bloody times…
Love/Lust – Mary and Pintoness…hmm…excuse me while I go fanaticize on bed…

do you "feel" me?

2007-03-08T21:59:00.000+08:00

I've been sitting in front of my laptop (yet again) to work on my 'oh-so-many' assignments due in the near future. I failed to be productive or be creative. It’s just not there in the system. So I browsed the net for some pictures and found this one. I find it funny but true. Check it out...

Those of you who are not from M.ASS COMM might not know what my course mates and I have to go through. We slave and we slave and for what? These are the kinds of comments and criticisms we get from the lecturers. If there’s any way around these critics, please let me know so that I can share with my classmates too.

Daily Analysis

Physical – tired…
Mental – blocked…
Emotional – got pissed off for a lil while…
Intellectual – learned that the length of your foot is equal to the length of your lower fore-arm (elbow joint to wrist joint)
Financial – got allowance so I’m okay…
Love/Lust – been so busy for my beautiful people. Must look for them tomorrow…

silly love affair...

2007-03-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

I just realized that I’m having an affair with my laptop. It is ALL I’ve been looking at everyday for the past week. I think it’s been turned on since last week and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. It’s so hot (not in a good way). My first love, the bed feels neglected. I’m sorry baby. It’s not that I don’t want you. I’m actually sitting in front of the laptop looking longingly over my shoulder at you most of the time.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dependent on technology. I just have to live with it. I don’t think I could ever break up with this one though. It’s a love/hate relationship. But I could never forget my bed. What to do? My hands are tied. Oh the dilemma, I’m torn between my first love and my new obsession. By the way, I also have a secret affair with food. Haven’t had time for that also. Tsk tsk...

Note to reader: I think I’ve gone crazy. What do you call that mental disorder where you think one thing is another thing? Like answering the phone when the door bell rings? I have another problem. My mind stops working when my body’s awake and vice versa. HELP!)

Daily Analysis

Physical – pulled another all 36 hours without sleep, exhausted…
Mental – i’ve lost control over my mind…
Emotional – detached…
Intellectual – learned that USM sucks!
Financial – just paid rent…so sad…
Love/Lust – refer to the above entry…

its 2007!

2007-03-02T21:25:00.000+08:00

Weird thing happened to me today. And it got me worried...Yes a new addition to my current woes.

I was at the stationary shop with Sammy to get Mr. Sour Face's envelop for assignment submission. We were writing down our details on the envelops and then suddenly found out that we couldn't remember what year it was. 2006 or 2007??? She wrote down 2006. I wrote down 2007. Mine was right but I think I was just auto-writing it without knowing the actual date. I never had that feeling before. I REALLY WASN'T sure what year we're in now. We both checked our phone calendar. We were totally shocked from that experience because it's already March of 2007 and it’s a weird thing not to know what year we're in!

I don't know how to explain it but it makes me worried. What's happening to me? What's happening to us? A year and a half in Mass Comm and our lives are already screwed up.

I think it was something like a Jamais vu.

Extract from "answers.com"

Jamais vu is a term in psychology (from the French, meaning "never seen") which is used to describe any familiar situation which is not recognized by the observer.

Often described as the opposite of déjà vu, jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.

Jamais vu is more commonly explained as when a person momentarily doesn't recognize a word, person, or place that they already know.

Daily Analysis

Physical - okay for once...
Mental - shocked outta my skin...
Emotional - got pissed off today for many reasons...
Intellectual - at least i remembered i read about Jamais Vu...
Financial - okay...
Love/Lust - only saw one beautiful person today...

tiny pills...

2007-02-28T22:56:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what I’ve been doing all day. I think I was being a zombie again. Although my body recovered from the sleep deprivation, my brain was still asleep. I think I’m still upset with myself for pushing me to go to Mr. Rocker’s class at 8am. I like his classes but Wednesday is the 3rd day of the week and 3rd time pushing myself is never a charm.

I remember I talked to a lot of people, but I can’t remember the conversations that well. And I had no plans whatsoever in my head. Auto-responding all day. It’s pretty unlikely of me. Hmm…It reminds me of those tiny unmarked pills the Shrink gave me. Nothing in the head but body’s functioning. Now I know what Adam meant about being “virtually high”. Funny feeling. Wish I could have the virtual high for some other feeling than the stupid pills.

Better stop procrastinating and stressing over “virtual stress”. I’ve actually resolved my troubled thoughts. I’m supposed to be functioning properly. Why am I not? Taking a break eh vanilla? Wake up! Oops, I’m talking to myself again. HELP!

Daily Analysis

Physical – a lil tired but like I said, functioning…
Mental – dunno…
Emotional – urm almost cried after watching this documentary in c&c class…
Intellectual – feeling stupid-er than yesterday…
Financial – haha got my allowance!
Love/Lust – “cheryl” said “I love you!” *blush, took a picture of “mary’s” butt. *drool

quote of the month...

2007-02-27T18:40:00.001+08:00

Saw an interesting quote on my MSN today. It says "You think that I'm a devil but it’s only because I've been through hell". It’s also true for me, in a way I guess.

People judge me in so many ways. And they ask "Why are you like this and that?" I have my reasons. No one deliberately tries to be a devil (except the sick ones la). You would know why I’m like this and that if you've had the privilege of listening to one of my pouring out sessions. Apart from those moments, I don’t want to entertain those kinds of questions. People can judge all they want. I'd prefer they don't bother me with those comments.

Some people ask because they are actually curious. Some just ask for no reason. If you ask a silly question, I will give you a silly answer. If you don’t like it, SUE ME!

Daily Analysis

Physical – 7 hrs did not cover the 36 hrs sleep deprivation
Mental – aloof
Emotional – aloof
Intellectual – feel stupid-er everyday
Financial – found my long lost 120$ in a box, so happy
Love/Lust – saw “mary” today. looking fabulous as ever. haha. and also saw the other "cheryl". images in my head. keke...

popped a vein...

2007-02-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

I don't even know how the Chinese New Year break went by. Didn't feel like a break. All the school work on my mind yet I did not manage to come up with anything productive. Therefore, didn't get to relax either. Been busy trying to run away from stress that I actually end up feeling tired from the running. Sigh* Take it slow, take one thing at a time, relax, chill, re-organize... Yes, I've given similar advice to other people. It just doesn't work on myself.

I need motivation, not criticism
I need support, no pressure
I need comfort, not pity
I need inspiration, not a muse (well, maybe i need a muse too! haha)

That's all for now. Serious mental block. And I've been trying so hard to squeeze ideas out that it feels like its going to burst! Can't think of anything else. Til next entry!

Daily Analysis

Physical - headache and heartburn...so hot these days.
Mental - blocked...
Emotional - blocked also...manually.
Intellectual - feeling very stupid right now
Financial - financially restricted...haha
Romance - single and loving it...

let it burn...

2007-02-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

Somehow, this song makes perfect sense to me in this situation...

Burn - Usher
-------------

[Intro]
I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting babyI ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal withI think that you should let it burn

[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn, Let it burn, Gotta let it burn
-------------------------------------------------

Well, only until this part is true for me.

a public apology...

2007-02-19T03:43:00.000+08:00

To whom it may concern
-------------------------

I'm sorry for all the things I have done or rather, have NOT done. I'm also sorry that you had to suffer. I did not mean any harm. But its in the past now, so there's nothing I could do to change it. I'm also sorry for the things that I cannot change about myself.

Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for letting me go.

-n-

Third Culture Kid (TCK)

2007-02-15T16:57:00.001+08:00

An interesting article. Explains why I'm so weird...

Extract from HabaRi, Issue 2, November 2006

Having parented my daughter overseas for seven years, I trust that she is conversant about world history and issues of global concern. I am proud of the languages she can speak and how easily she relates to people from all over the world. Yet, she has trouble listing the provinces of Canada, remembering the currency or telling me the name of the Prime Minister. And she has no idea what is cool amongst her age-group back at home. In essence, she is more a world citizen than a Canadian. Canada at this time of life means a rushed visit once a year and maple syrup on pancakes. Some days I wonder if I have done her the biggest favour of all by exposing her to a larger world, or if I may have disadvantaged her by depriving her of a strong national and cultural identity. The truth may lie somewhere in-between.

A Third Culture Kid – or TCK in short – is a child who has spent a significant amount of its formative years outside the passport country; and an ATCK is an adult who still internally carries the unique consequences of growing up abroad. What characteristics are we talking about? First of all, a TCK tends to form relationships with many cultures, but without having full ownership in any, including her own. As a sense of belonging occurs most easily in relationship with people of similar background, s/he tends to feel most sense of connection when in contact with other TCKs. When a TCK returns to the passport country, usually at the time of commencing university studies, this reunion is often accompanied by severe and unexpected re-entry culture shock. While being used to cope with mobility and change and with frequently being a visible outsider, coming home, is oddly unfamiliar. For many, re-entry shock when coming home is much stronger than the culture shock experience after having moved to a foreign country for the first time.

While superficially appearing like just anyone and expected to smoothly blend in, a TCK frequently thinks entirely different from peers or colleagues and experiences a sense of being a hidden outsider. According to Ann Baker Cottrell, only one out of ten adult TCKs feel in synch with their age group. Furthermore, due to their aptness with change, TCKs frequently approach new relationships with a sense of urgency and their pace of moving from a superficial level of communication to a deep level of disclosure can overwhelm and confuse non-TCKs. Global nomads need some extra time to sort out their complex cultural identity. They may struggle with it because they learnt culture in the same unconscious way everyone else did – in essence by imitation. An ATCK however, was substantially exposed to conflicting values, worldview and practices and thus ended up as a cultural hybrid living on the margins of two or more cultures which never completely fused. Some global nomads carry unresolved grief, manifesting as sadness, depression, rebellion or withdrawal, while others experience delayed or prolonged adolescence. Most TCKs end up with a migratory instinct and are likely to seek out international and mobile careers down the road.

Well, you may ask if there are sufficient benefits to outweigh the potential challenges of the TCK experience. Indeed, benefits are numerous. On a family level, TCKs tend to be much closer to their parents than peers back at home. They are experience-rich and have a natural inclination to embrace diversity. They are less likely to hold prejudice and strong ethnocentrism. TCKs tend to be pros at dealing with transitions and unexpected circumstances and at code-switching from one cultural environment to another. They also tend to be decisive with strong cross-cultural skills and high emotional intelligence (EQ). Life experience has prepared them to deal with ambiguity and adversity and to mix with people of different backgrounds. Often having lived in more than one foreign country, they have enhanced linguistic and communication skills. Knowing loneliness and what it is like to make a fresh start in an unfamiliar environment, they tend to be able to well-express empathy.

Occupational choices tend to reflect a love for learning, a willingness to help others and a desire for independence and flexibility. According to Cottrell, TCKs are four times more likely to earn a Bachelor’s degree and to continue studying for a Master’s or PhD. They also tend to marry late and have lower divorce rates than national averages. Thus, in a sum, the benefits of such an upbringing are significant, and with a little patience the pay-off will manifest. The advantages of a global childhood are explicitly summarized in the following quote by Norma M. McCaig, the founder of Global Nomads International:

The benefits of this upbringing need to be underscored. In an area when global vision is imperative, when skills in intercultural communication, linguistic ability, mediation, diplomacy and the management of diversity are critical, global nomads are better equipped in these areas by age eighteen, than are many adults.

Norma McCaig
Found of Global Nomads International

So – welcome to global nomad parenting! Once a TCK, always a TCK. Your child will never change back to being a mono-cultural person, just as s/he won’t unlearn to walk or to breathe. Along the way, you might even discover that you are a TCK yourself!

For TCK information and comments contact: Angelika.Siaw@unon.org

Closet Claustrophobic

2007-02-05T03:57:00.000+08:00

Once again, an essay for Creative Writing. And again, I've exaggerated on some parts but most of it is true. I'm sure you guys are bored with my dramatic stories by now. Sorry I couldn't write anything on current events as there's been a lot on my mind lately and I can't put it down in words. Tell me what you think about this one...

Closet Claustrophobic

---------------------

As I pleaded my mother not to lock me inside the closet, she did it anyway, and made a shushing gesture before she closed the door. I saw the last glimpse of light disappearing as the door clicked close. And that was the last sound I heard, apart from my labored breathing in the dark forlorn closet. I tried rattling the door from the inside but there was no handle or knob for me to turn. I felt around with my tiny fingers for possible gaps around the door frame but all my efforts to escape were in vain. All of a sudden, the spacious closet that my parents shared seemed to be getting smaller with the walls closing in.

It was how my claustrophobia started, by being locked inside the closet at age four. It happened one fine Sunday, when my father’s very important guest came over to our house while I was playing with my dog in the living room. My mother told me to go to my room while fussing about the mess I have created in the living room. I left but somehow managed to make more mess along the way, rolling around with my dog, bumping into things and knocking them over. It aggravated her already hot temper and she finally lost her patience. I never made it to my room as she snatched my arm, dragged me into her room and shoved me inside the closet.

After awhile, I finally gave up my futile attempts to escape the closet because there was nothing else I could do. I did not dare to scream for fear of losing my breath in a confined space with limited air supply. I was already sweating, feeling breathless and dizzy. All I could hear was my heavy breathing and the increasing heartbeat. “How long do I have to stay here? What if she forgot about me being in the closet? What if she doesn’t come back for me? What if I died before she came back?” I thought to myself. It made me more aware of the cramping situation and got me even more terrified than before!

I could not remember how long it took for my mother to open the door. It seemed like forever but when she finally did, I collapsed onto the floor outside. My pale face must have been alarming because she picked me up in her arms and said that she was sorry for what she had done. At least it was comforting compared to the dark cramping closet I was in, so I forgave her. Then I heard my father’s voice, yelling at her for doing such a thing. She yelled back telling him that it was because his “very important” guest was visiting. They put me in my room, still yelling at each other. I think it went on for quite awhile but all I could recall was falling asleep, exhausted, covered in cold sweat, clutching my blanket, trying not to hear their yelling.

Years later, in a mall, the memories and the anxieties came rushing back as the lights went out in an elevator and it came to an abrupt stop. When I recited the event to my parents, they thought I was just seeking attention by exaggerating the story. So I have resolved to manage the panic attacks by myself, or rather avoid similar situations where I might get one. I never realized that little closet incident will haunt me for the rest of my life. I am sure my parents thought the same as well.

Christmas Phobia

2007-01-18T06:17:00.000+08:00

This is just a draft of the short essay written for my creative writing assignment. I've exaggerated on some parts but most of it is true. Tell me what you think...

Christmas Phobia
----------------

The day was Christmas Eve 24th December 2006. I felt an old familiar pain as I sat alone in my apartment and watched Christmas specials on television. The holiday season seemed to be mocking me with the usual decorations, gifts, special programs on TV; the whole package. As I watched the beginning part of “Love Actually” on HBO channel, my mind reeled back to Christmas Eve 1991, when my Christmas phobia began.

A week before that day, my mother said “I’m going on a trip to Japan”. I was only nine years old then, so all I could think of was “presents!”. I gave her a list of things I wanted from Japan and even helped her pack. The day arrived and although the number of friends and relatives who turned up at the airport was strange, I did not think any further than my presents. On the drive home, my father turned to me and said “You know, she’s never coming back. She’s left you behind”. I was shocked but I did not ask my father “Why?” for I could not talk or even breathe properly. It hurt so much that I blocked it out of my head. I could not remember what happened that day or the next day. And I could not accept the fact that my mother had left me, at age nine on Christmas Eve.

A year went by and she called me out of the blue on Christmas Eve 1992. I told her “It’s been a year, Mom. When are you coming back?” as if she just had a small argument with my father and left for a short trip. She answered “Maybe next year”. So I waited. And whenever other people asked about my mother, I told them “She’s on a trip”. I never wanted to admit that I was left behind like some unwanted last minute item at the cashier. What I did not realize then was that, she did not leave me because I was an unwanted item. She wanted the item and just did not have the privilege to take it with her.

I never asked my parents what happened and why it happened. The reason came to me by itself over the years. With my mother’s quirky personality and my father’s strict rules, I found out that they were not meant for each other. I tried to put myself in their shoes and tried not to blame them for my misery. Sadly, they never found out that little incident on Christmas Eve 1991 had a big impact on me. I dreaded Christmas the years after that. The only time I attended a real family Christmas Eve dinner was in 2003 when my godmother invited me to her house. It was a perfect family moment out of a TV commercial with me secretly hoping that it was my own family. I knew that it could never be. Ever. And I cried that night for the first time since Christmas Eve 1991.

I found myself crying again at the end of “Love Actually”. Love, actually, is not all around when you need it. I still fear Christmas but somehow managed to live with it. After all, it only comes once a year and I have survived through fifteen of them.

friends vs. vanilla

2007-01-17T04:15:00.000+08:00

My sleeping patterns are messed up. Since I couldn't really sleep, I went through my friends' profiles in Friendster.

I saw my old friends' pictures and I realized that I haven't seen most of them over the years. We've grown apart. Yet some of them managed to stay in touch and get together at least once a year. Sadly, I am denied entry into Burma so I could never join them. They don't want to visit Malaysia because they think its lame.

I saw my old friends from Malaysia. They've gone away also so we've grown apart once again. I don't think they'll ever come back because they think its lame as well.

I saw old friends I've met here and there. Some people make an impression and some just disappear. They're also here and there because they have something better to do or somewhere to be.

And then I checked out how "you are connected to so and so" in Friendster. I noticed there were a lot of different groups who stuck together forever. I used to be in those groups. Really part of the groups. But I don't know why or how I'm a member of all those groups as each group has a different characteristic. I feel like a "freelance " friend, not belonging anywhere. Its just so sad...I miss those days we had. Yet, I'm giving it all up and sticking to Malaysia. Some of them asked "What's so great about it?". I always answered "I don't know". I really don't know. But I'll be writing an entry about that later. (i think)

About "freelancing", I feel like I'm a favorite substitute for some people. I also feel like the benchwarmer kid, who only gets to play when all the players are injured. This will also be elaborated soon in the entry Favorite Substitute. (i think)

I have so many different thoughts in my head so I'll write down cluster by cluster. Its all related but kind of different topics. Man, I'm babbling at 4:40 in the morning. Til next entry then.

Daily Analysis

Physical - fell asleep as soon as i got home and woke up and midnight-> exhaustion...
Mental - completely mental...
Emotional -i'd have to say not very stable...
Intellectual - what's intellectual?
Financial - still haven't done my accounts...numbers hate me!
Romance - don't ask!

water works...

2007-01-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

I don't like getting in touch with my memories. Bad memories are like computer viruses. Since I don't have the ability to delete them, I need to keep them locked away.

Today, I accidently opened the virus vault during the Creative Writing class. Whatever topic I was writing, it was usually about the tragic moments in my life because they were true and I can exaggerate a bit also. But I usually laugh at myself for exaggerating and I don't focus on the pain. I don't know what happened today but it just happened. I was laughing first and then got hysterical and then teared a bit and then cried. I couldn't even look at anyone because it was so silly. I don't want to write anymore. Dr. Vijaya, I really don't want to hear my inner voice! Please make it stop! Please make it stop!

Daily Analysis

Physical - tired...
Mental - disturbed...
Emotional - need i mention the water works?
Intellectual - i can't understand what the lecturers are saying!
Financial - dunno, haven't calculated the expenses and balance...
Romance - dun even ask!

flu blues...

2006-12-20T06:43:00.000+08:00

I've hidden previous entries from my blog again. I don't know why, they all seem silly to me now.

Then why am I still writing? Well its part of the "creative writing" project. The lecturer said we need to write about ourselves. Significant events or moments that moved you or whatever...I have so many, so its hard to remember them sometimes. Writing them here is more organized since my memory retention is very bad these days. It may be because I deliberately erased some I don't want to remember. Now it has got a mind of its own and is on auto-delete.

So here I am, rambling at 6 in the morning again. I'm still having problems falling asleep alone. Its been like almost 3 weeks and it made me realize how insecure I am. Dad was right about the insecurity (I don't know why he would say that to my face though. Some things are better left unsaid, eventhough the intentions are good).

I think I will have a lot to write about this term. Mostly because that's all I'll be doing and also because I need to recall at least SOME of the memories from the database. So lazy though. I'm busy most of the time, just don't know with "what" exactly. I've been saying "I don't know how 2006 is already coming to an end and I have nothing to show". Actually, I DO have something to show. My big box of notes and text books. Plus a crappy piece of transcript paper that I can't even read (its in Malay, stupid huh?) But the grades look good. Worth busting my behind for them. *pat *pat on my own back. Sad isn't it? Yes, no one is around to do that so I have to do it myself.

Daily Analysis

Physical - the flu continues...
Mental - buzzing sound in my head, is it the anti-biotics? or?
Emotional - maybe its the fever but i keep tearing...
Intellectual - leroy was talking medical terms, didn't understand a word of it!
Financial - i kept the 30% discount from tuition fees, i'm rich!
Romance - called my babe, got an email from him too!